


light

by syugafairy



Series: cathartic release [2]
Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drabble, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I guess????, IF U WANT ANYTHING ELSE TAGGING LET ME KNOW, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, This Is Sad, depending how you perceive it, hint the ending isnt TOO sad, i guess, im sorry, it starts off light then gets sad, its 4am, junhees just kinda sad, projecting my issues onto characters, tiny bit of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-15 22:54:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15423447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/syugafairy/pseuds/syugafairy
Summary: junhee was a sunshine until people started telling him that maybe he shouldnt be





	light

When Junhee saw the light, he felt renewed. He felt as though he could sense the people he loves, shining down on his face. The brighter the light appeared, the more love was being emitted. Junhee always loved the sun. It was a constant reminder that sometimes people need a break from giving love, too. For as long as he could remember, he would give everyone as much love as he could until he could do so no longer. Then he would rest. He would recharge his light and when it was full he would go out and spread even more love. This boy loved everything; from the small, simple things in life, to the more complex. He would not stop even when people laughed at him; laughed at him for being too soft, too sensitive. These people confused him - why are they mad at Junhee loving things? Surely there was nothing wrong with it, right?

 

This continued into middle school, and then high school, and by the time college came, Junhee was tired and more confused than ever. In middle school, he would be teased, mocked, called names. He didn't understand. One night, Junhee cried to his mother because it just _didn't make sense._ He wanted to know why people laughed at him when he cried about trees being cut down, flies being killed, why no one seemed to feel the same. He had so many questions in his head; so many _whys._ The words that came from his mother's mouth came straight from her heart. She knew that people wouldn't be so understanding however she was too afraid to tell the boy that. She didn't want to be the reason the light in his heart was turned off for the final time.

 

_"Junhee, sweetie, its okay," she murmured softly into his dark hair "you're a very special boy, the most special I know. I'm so sorry that people don't see you the way I do - the way everyone should see you. You have such a warm heart, you're so full of love yet that is not always the case for everyone. Some people don't understand what it's like to have such a bright light inside of them. Not everyone is as accepting as you want them to be. You just have to ignore those people, okay? Don't let them turn out your light. You're so strong, baby. Your light is just the brightest of all and people are jealous of that. They want to have a light as bright as yours but the envy they feel when seeing your light dimmers theirs even further. Don't let them turn out your light - I'll always be here to keep it on if you need it."_

 

That night, Junhee fell asleep in his mothers warm embrace, her soft words calming his tears and his breathing and lulled him into a dream where he was safe. He always felt safe with his mother - she was always able to help him and keep his light shining when he felt like he couldn't do it himself.

 

High school was when his light got turned off for good. Junhee always tries to forget that day but his brain doesn't want him to. All he did was tell a boy that he loved him. That he made his heart feel all warm and that he felt safe with him. He thought he could trust the boy, they had shared things no one else besides them knew. He really did feel safe with that boy. But when he admitted to him that he loved him, that he wanted them to be more than friends, the safety he felt became torn apart. The boy he thought he could trust became the monster tormenting him at night, keeping him awake; afraid and crying under his covers for hours until he eventually passed out. It didn't take long for people to start calling him names, to start vandalising his belongings and pushing him against lockers. Sometimes he might get punched, but he was agile and managed to escape, but often, he wasn't so lucky. He would come home with a cut on his cheek or a bruise under his eye - "Its okay, mom, I just fell." - and hide in his room, wondering why he always received darkness when all he wanted to give out was light. His mother could tell his light had become dark, almost completely gone. She tried to comfort him, to turn the light back on, but it was too late. Junhee had decided that maybe love was a bad thing. That he shouldn't love people - especially boys - and that maybe if his light was dark like everyone else's, he would be able to carry on with his life without feeling so afraid and confused.

 

He remained quiet at school, kept to himself. He stopped telling people that they looked great, that their smile was extra bright today, because apparently that was _bad_ . He didn't understand why, but surely people wouldn't glare at him if it was a good thing, right? He stopped caring so much, and if necessary, hid in the toilets and cried silently so no one would hear him. No one could hear him, because that would be _bad._ He didn't want to be called weak. He still remembers what his mother told him that night - _"you're so strong, baby." -_ and he has since been questioning her words. If he really is strong, then why do so many people seem to disagree? Who should he believe? His heart tells him to believe his mother because she has been there when others haven't. She has been his light when all he could see was darkness. But then again, perhaps she said that because that's what you're _supposed to say_ when your son is crying against your chest. Just because it's his heart saying it doesn't mean he should listen. He has soon come to learn that maybe listening to your heart is a _bad thing._

 

By the time college arrived, his light was so dark, so empty, that he could easily be mistaken for a black hole. He continued to keep to himself, to cry when there was no around to hear him. Junhee, the boy once so full of light he could burst, was now so afraid to do things before he never would have questioned. He wanted to be nice to people, to compliment them on their outfit or to water some plants that are dying. But after so many years of being insulted, mocked, _ridiculed,_ he has since given up.

 

The first person to see him cry was his roommate. Junhee thought he was alone in his shared apartment, even checked twice to make sure. He shut himself in his room, hid under his covers, and cried because he didn't know what else to do. He didn't hear his roommate arrive - he didn't hear the door unlock, he didn't hear the concerned voice call out _"hey I'm back, I've brought pizza,"_ he didn't hear his door open. But he did flinch as he felt the weight of another person on the edge of his bed. He held his breath, an attempt to hide his sobs. He curled up further into himself as his roommate pulled back the covers accompanied by a soft _"hey, are you okay?"._ As silly as it might sound, Junhee cried harder at that - the other boys soft, concerned voice reminded him of his mother all those years ago, sharing those words to the crying boy in her arms. This situation was almost no different - the other boy didn't do anything besides stroke Junhee's hair and whisper _"it's okay, it’s okay,"_ repeatedly until Junhee fell asleep, feeling safe with the feeling of the boys hand combing through his hair.

 

Junhee woke up in the middle of the night with almost no recollection of the events only a few hours prior. His roommate had returned to his room after making sure the boy had fallen asleep. The boy could remember warm hands softly pulling him to sleep, but everything else was a blur. His head hurt and he needed a drink so he padded into the kitchen to grab some painkillers and a glass of water, but was stopped by his roommate who was lying on the sofa scrolling through his phone. The boy on the sofa said to Junhee that they needed to talk, which startled Junhee because _what the fuck happened?_ and so Junhee joined him after downing some water with some painkillers. The boy wanted to know why Junhee was crying so hard, even joked a bit to lighten the mood as the atmosphere was beginning to get tense as Junhee's anxiety began to spike. However, all he could bring himself to say was a small _"I'm sorry"._ For the first time, Junhee didn't flinch when the boy hugged him tightly, holding him close, preventing him from escaping. His mind was a mess of _don't trust him don't trust him he'll hurt you don't trust him_ but for once, he didn't listen. For the first time since he could remember, he felt safe in someone's arms that weren't his mother. The full moon was shining brightly into their apartment through a window that was still open, and Junhee realised. He realised that he wants to turn his light back on, and somehow, he feels safe in his roommates arms. He trusts that he will help him turn his light back on. Junhee explained everything to him, everything he could recall, just spilled out into the dark room illuminated by the moonlight. Not once did his roommate say anything insulting or mocking - he continued to hold Junhee and listened to everything he had to say. Junhee even told him about when he turned off his light, when he told that boy he loved him. His roommate continued to listen, to understand and to hold Junhee.

 

The two boys fell asleep like that, Junhee tucked into his roommates chest on the sofa, and they stayed like that until the sun rose above the horizon and shone into the room through the window that was still open. He had told this boy everything and yet, he was still here, holding Junhee tightly, an embrace full of warmth and safety. Junhee could feel his light slowly starting to turn back on - maybe things will be okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> hey folks thanks so much for reading this far!! if u want u can hmu on twitter [@fIowerbub](https://twitter.com/fIowerbub) thank u i love u


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